The Knife

How Many Scars Did You Have to Justify Because You Loved the Person Holding the Knife?

There’s a quiet kind of pain that doesn’t announce itself with sirens or visible wounds.
It lives in the explanations we rehearse, the excuses we make or the stories we tell ourselves so we can keep loving someone who keeps hurting us.

As a life coach, I hear versions of this question often - sometimes spoken aloud, sometimes buried deep beneath resilience and humour:

“How much pain is too much, before love stops being the reason?”

When Love Turns into Negotiation

At first, it doesn’t feel like harm.
It feels like misunderstanding, stress or a bad phase.

So, you justify:

• They didn’t mean it.

• They’ve been through a lot.

• If I communicate better, they’ll change.

• Every relationship has scars.

Slowly, love becomes a negotiation with your own boundaries.

You start measuring pain instead of peace, you track apologies instead of patterns and you learn how to hold still so the blade doesn’t cut as deep.

Not because you’re weak, but because you’re loyal, hopeful and human.

The Scars We Can’t See

Emotional scars don’t bleed, but they mark us all the same.

They show up as:

• Second-guessing your feelings

• Dimming your needs to avoid conflict

• Confusing intensity with intimacy

• Feeling responsible for someone else’s behaviour

• Believing love must hurt to be real

One of the most heartbreaking things I see is how often people blame themselves for the wounds inflicted by someone else - simply because they loved them.

Love, however, is not proven by endurance of pain.

The Knife Isn’t Always Obvious

Here’s the hard truth:
Sometimes the person holding the knife doesn’t look like a villain.

They might be charming, wounded, brilliant or broken in ways that invite your compassion and that makes it harder, because walking away feels like betrayal, not self-respect.

However, intent does not erase impact.
Love does not cancel accountability.

You are allowed to name harm, even when it comes from someone you love.

The Moment Justification Becomes Self-Abandonment

There is a quiet turning point - when explaining their behaviour requires you to shrink your truth.

That’s the moment justification becomes self-abandonment.

As a coach, I don’t ask clients, “Why did you stay?”
I ask:

• What did staying cost you?

• What part of yourself did you have to silence to survive this love?

• If your best friend told you this story, what would you want for them?

These questions aren’t meant to shame.
They’re meant to wake you up gently.

Healing Isn’t About Blame - It’s About Boundaries

Healing doesn’t require you to villainize the person who hurt you.
It requires you to stop romanticising the damage.

You can acknowledge:

• They mattered to you

• You loved deeply

• You did the best you could with what you knew

Still choose:

• Distance

• Boundaries

• Or an ending

Growth often begins when love stops being the excuse for suffering.

A Reframe I Offer My Clients

Try completing this sentence honestly:

“I don’t need to earn love by enduring pain. I deserve love that is __________.”

(Safe. Kind. Consistent. Respectful. Calm.)

Whatever word comes up - that’s your compass.

Final Thought

If you’re counting scars to justify staying, pause.

Love was never meant to be measured by how much you can tolerate.
It’s meant to be reflected in how well you are treated.

You are not disloyal for choosing yourself, you are not dramatic for naming harm and you are not broken for loving someone who couldn’t love you safely.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop explaining the knife and start tending to your wounds.

With you on the journey,
– Storm Reagan
Life Coach | Lived Experience Guide