Collateral Damage

When Someone Else’s Inner War Wounds Us

Sometimes the deepest pain in our lives doesn’t come from our own mistakes, but from standing too close to someone else’s unresolved battles.

We become the collateral damage in a war they’re fighting against themselves.

This is one of the hardest truths to accept, especially for empathetic, self-aware people. We instinctively look inward: What did I do wrong? What could I have said differently? How could I have loved better? However, not all harm is caused by malice and not all harm is deserved. Some people are bleeding internally and swinging blindly - proximity alone puts us in the line of fire.

When It Was Never Really About You

People who are at war with themselves often project their pain outward. Shame becomes criticism. Fear becomes control. Unhealed trauma shows up as emotional distance, volatility or betrayal. You may have simply represented something confronting to them - intimacy, consistency, accountability or hope and so, without intending to, they hurt you.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour, but it does reframe it. It reminds us that not every wound is a verdict on our worth. Sometimes it’s evidence that we were close to someone who hadn’t yet learned how to be safe - with themselves or with others.

The Hidden Cost of Empathy

Empathy, when unbounded, can quietly turn into self-abandonment.

Clients often tell me, “I stayed, because I understood their pain.” Empathy is a beautiful trait, but unchecked, it can trap us in dynamics where we’re constantly absorbing emotional splinters.

You can have compassion and boundaries.
You can understand someone’s wounds without volunteering to be their battlefield.

Growth begins when we realise that our role in someone else’s life does not require self-sacrifice to the point of self-erasure.

Healing the Wounds You Didn’t Cause

If you’ve been collateral damage, healing often starts with three shifts:

1. Release misplaced responsibility
   You are not responsible for fixing what you didn’t break. Their healing is their work.

2. Name the injury honestly
   Minimizing your pain delays recovery. What happened mattered, because you matter.

3. Choose distance when necessary
   Love does not require proximity to chaos. Sometimes the healthiest act is stepping out of range.

A Closing Truth

Being hurt by someone else’s inner war does not make you weak. It means you were present, open and human. The goal is not to harden, but to become wiser about where and with whom, you place your heart.

You are allowed to walk away from battles that were never yours to fight. You are allowed to heal - fully, unapologetically and at your own pace.

If this resonates, pause for a moment and ask yourself: 

Where in my life am I still standing in a battle that isn’t mine?
Take your time. You don’t need to answer it all at once.

Your Next Step

If you’re ready to stop carrying wounds you didn’t cause and start rebuilding from a place of clarity and self-trust, I invite you to work with me. Together, we’ll identify the patterns that keep you absorbing emotional fallout, strengthen your boundaries and help you choose relationships that feel safe, mutual and life-giving.

✨ If you want personalised support, book a one-on-one coaching session: Silver Lining 
✨ If you’re not ready yet, my YouTube channel offers reflections and practical tools for healing, growth and self-leadership: Clarity & Silver Linings

You deserve a life where peace is not the reward for endurance, but the foundation you build from.

With you on the journey,
– Storm Reagan
Life Coach | Lived Experience Guide