The Tyranny of the Shoulds

When Your Own Expectations Become Your Prison

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I should be stronger,” “I should be further along in life,” or “I should be coping better by now”?

Those little words — I should — may seem harmless, but sometimes they become the loudest voices in our minds. They turn our expectations into rules, our mistakes into failures and our struggles into reasons to criticise ourselves.

In life coaching, we call this the tyranny of the shoulds.

When “I should” becomes “I am not enough”

The tyranny of the shoulds refers to the pressure we place on ourselves to live up to rigid expectations of who we believe we ought to be.

We tell ourselves we should always be strong, always be productive, always be available for others, always have the answers and always keep moving forward, but what happens when life doesn't cooperate?

What happens when you are emotionally exhausted, when your plans fall apart, when you experience disappointment or when you simply don't have the strength to do what you expected of yourself?

Instead of offering ourselves compassion, we often offer ourselves criticism.

We compare our reality to an imaginary version of ourselves who never struggles, never makes mistakes and never needs a break.

That person doesn't exist. Yet, we exhaust ourselves trying to become them.

The Hidden Cost of Living by Expectations

When we constantly use the word should, we can lose touch with what we genuinely need.

We may say:

• I should be over this by now.
• I should never feel anxious or afraid.
• I should be able to handle everything myself.
• I should make everyone happy.
• I should have achieved more by this stage of my life.

These expectations can create guilt, shame, resentment and emotional exhaustion.

Sometimes, they come from our upbringing. Sometimes, they come from society, comparison, perfectionism or the fear of disappointing people and sometimes, we have internalised these expectations so deeply that we no longer question them. We simply obey them.

However, here's an important coaching question:

Who told you that you should? Is that expectation actually serving you?

Personal responsibility, discipline and commitment matter, but the problem begins when expectations become so rigid that they leave no room for being human.

From Self-criticism to Self-compassion

One of the most powerful steps towards personal growth is learning to challenge the language we use with ourselves.

Instead of saying, “I should be stronger,” try saying, “I am allowed to have difficult days.”

Instead of saying, “I should have figured everything out by now,” try saying, “I am learning, growing and finding my way.”

Instead of saying, “I should always be there for everyone,” remind yourself, “I can care for others without abandoning myself.”

Instead of saying, “I should be coping better,” ask yourself, “What support do I need right now?”

Notice the difference.

The first set of statements demands perfection. The second creates room for growth.

Self-compassion does not mean avoiding responsibility or making excuses.
It means approaching yourself with the same patience, understanding and kindness you would offer someone you love.

You can hold yourself accountable without tearing yourself down.

You can acknowledge where you need to grow without deciding that you are not good enough.

What About Faith?

For those of us who walk a journey of faith, the tyranny of the shoulds can become even more complicated.

We may tell ourselves that we should have more faith, that we should not be afraid, that we should always feel God's presence or that we should be able to understand why certain things happen, but faith does not require us to pretend that we are never afraid, hurt, confused or exhausted.

Consider Peter walking on the water in Matthew 14:22–33. He stepped out towards Jesus, but when he noticed the wind, he became afraid and began to sink. Jesus reached out and caught him.

Peter's fear did not prevent Jesus from reaching for him.

What a powerful reminder that a difficult moment does not define your entire journey.

You can trust God and still have questions. You can have faith and still feel overwhelmed. You can pray and still need support from other people.

You do not have to turn every struggle into another reason to condemn yourself.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”
— Romans 8:1 (NLT)

Sometimes, the most honest prayer is simply, “Lord, I am struggling. Please help me.”

A Practical Coaching Exercise: Challenge your shoulds

Take a few quiet minutes and reflect on these questions:

1. Identify your shoulds.
Write down three things you repeatedly tell yourself you should be doing, feeling, achieving or becoming.

2. Question the expectation.
Ask yourself: Is this expectation realistic? Does it reflect my values or am I trying to meet someone else's expectations?

3. Recognise the emotion underneath.
Are you afraid of disappointing someone? Do you feel guilty when you rest? Are you worried that you are falling behind?

4. Reframe the statement.
Replace “I should” with “I choose to,” “I would like to,” “I am learning to,” or “I need to.”

5. Choose one compassionate action.
Perhaps you need to set a boundary, ask for help, take a break, forgive yourself or simply accept that today has been difficult.

Remember, you cannot change every circumstance immediately, but you can begin changing the way you respond to yourself.

You are allowed to be a work in progress!

At Silver Lining, I believe that personal growth begins with awareness. Before we can change a pattern, we need to recognise it.

You are not a failure because you are still healing. You are not weak because you need rest. You are not behind simply because your journey looks different from someone else's.

Life is not a competition in which everyone must reach the same milestones at the same time.

There will be seasons of achievement and seasons of survival. Seasons of clarity and seasons when all you can do is take the next small step.

Give yourself permission to be where you are while still working towards where you want to be.

You can strive for better without believing you are currently inadequate, you can pursue your goals without making your worth dependent on achieving them and you can become a better version of yourself without declaring war on the person you are today.

A Final Thought

The next time you hear yourself say, “I should be doing more,” pause.

Ask yourself whether you are being guided by your values or driven by guilt.

Ask whether the voice in your head is encouraging your growth or punishing your humanity.

Then remember this:

You do not have to earn the right to be kind to yourself.

Your healing does not need a deadline. Your growth does not need to look like anyone else's and your worth is not measured by how perfectly you meet your own expectations.

Sometimes, the greatest step forward is giving yourself permission to breathe.

With love and a little silver lining,
– Storm Reagan
Life Coach | Lived Experience Guide | Christian Coach