Not Defeated

When Setbacks Feel Like They’re Defeating You

A couple of weeks ago, I shared what it felt like when my body changed without my consent. The hospital drips, the pale gums, the hair on my pillow, the diagnosis that explained the fatigue, but didn’t soften the grief.

What I didn’t talk about as much was what happened internally after the monitors were unplugged and I came home, because sometimes the hardest part isn’t the medical crisis. 
It’s the emotional aftermath.

There are moments when setbacks don’t just slow you down - they knock the wind out of you. The kind where motivation disappears, confidence shrinks and everything you were excited about suddenly feels pointless. If you’re in that space right now, you’re not weak. You’re human.

Setbacks hurt most when you’ve been trying and I have been trying.

Trying to heal.
Trying to stay positive.
Trying to show up for my clients.
Trying to recognise myself in the mirror.
Trying to hold onto routines that once felt effortless.

The Silent Weight of “Almost”

What makes setbacks so defeating isn’t always the failure itself. It’s the almost. Almost there. Almost good enough. Almost paid off. That gap between effort and outcome can mess with your head and make you question whether continuing is worth it.

When you live with a chronic condition, “almost” becomes familiar territory. Blood counts almost normal. Energy almost back. Hair almost growing in the same.

However, here’s the truth we rarely acknowledge: progress is rarely loud. Most of it happens quietly, underneath frustration, doubt and repetition. Healing is not a straight line. It’s labs, adjustments, rest days, setbacks and trying again.

Why Setbacks Feel Personal (Even When They’re Not)

When things go wrong repeatedly, it’s easy to internalise them:

• Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

• Everyone else seems to figure it out.

• Why does this feel harder for me?

Even as a life coach. Even as someone who teaches resilience.

Setbacks aren’t a verdict on your ability. They’re feedback from the process and feedback, while uncomfortable, means you’re still in the game.

— and sometimes, in my case, feedback from a body that’s fighting something invisible.

That doesn’t make it less frustrating.
It just makes it human.

What to Do When You’re Mentally Exhausted

After being admitted unexpectedly and watching numbers on screens determine my next steps, I realised something important: I didn’t need more discipline. I needed gentleness.

You don’t need a motivational speech. You need permission to pause without quitting.

Try this instead:

• Shrink the goal. Don’t focus on “fixing everything.” Focus on the next doable step.

• Separate rest from quitting. Rest is a strategy. Quitting is a conclusion — don’t confuse the two.

• Name the setback honestly. Saying “this is really hard” is not negativity; it’s clarity.

The Strength You’re Missing

The most defeating setbacks often happen right before growth becomes visible. That doesn’t mean “push harder.” It means stay present. Showing up tired, uncertain and imperfect still counts.

For me, growth right now doesn’t look like achievement.
It looks like allowing myself to be seen — even with thinner hair.
It looks like guiding others while still navigating my own uncertainty.

And it also looked like this:
After coming home from hospital, I stepped away. I switched off my phone, I deactivated my social media and I went quiet for two full weeks — not because I was giving up, but because I was protecting my energy.

Sometimes resilience isn’t about being visible.
Sometimes it’s about retreating intentionally so you can heal without an audience.

There is a difference between disappearing out of shame and stepping back out of self-respect.
One is avoidance. The other is recovery.

I didn’t vanish because I was defeated.
I paused because I was rebuilding.

Resilience isn’t loud confidence.
It’s quiet persistence.
It’s choosing not to give up on yourself when things don’t go your way.

If You’re Still Standing, You’re Not Defeated

Coming home from hospital didn’t magically restore my energy or confidence, but it did remind me of something: surviving a setback is proof of strength, even when you don’t feel strong.

Feeling defeated doesn’t mean you are defeated. It means you’ve been tested and tests don’t erase your progress — they reveal it.

If today all you can do is keep going slowly, that’s enough.
If all you can do is not give up, that’s powerful and if all you can do is breathe and try again tomorrow — you’re still moving forward.

This chapter isn’t about bouncing back.
It’s about staying.

Staying present. Staying honest. Staying in the fight for my own wellbeing and if you’re here, reading this — you’re still in it too.

With you on the journey,
– Storm Reagan
Life Coach | Lived Experience Guide